14 February 2014

You are a damn good thing and deserve all the sweetness

While I don't necessarily celebrate Valentine's Day, I don't mind if you do.
But I will say that I think capitalism drives this day. After all, it is "one of the major spending holidays in the U.S. for consumers, and one of the major events on the retail shopping calendar." 

That being said, I do so love me some love. And if you're celebrating love today, I do hope you celebrate it tomorrow and all the days to follow, or this day really means nothing except that you have made some very pushy retailers quite happy. Know that love is more than that.  It is complex and messy and scary sometimes.  You can love someone so hard it hurts, but you got to keep loving as if you've never been hurt before.  I do...I have...and I don't mind. 

The piece below was written by a young woman name Jezebel Delilah X, who has an intimacy with words that draws you into her world and evokes feelings that you knew you had, but hadn't the courage to express, at least not openly. I am a friend (and follower of sorts) of this beautiful, succulent black woman, and am never disappointed in her daily and frequent posts on Facebook where she is not afraid to be naked and vulnerable. I often find myself experiencing my own life through hers.  She is an audacious spirit, incandescent, with so much to give, and you know that the ancestors are speaking when she pours her wisdom onto the page...I love her.  She is a gift. I want to give back.  So please read and enjoy.  You all are damn good and deserve sweetness everyday, honey.  ~roro

google images

I once fell madly in love with a womyn who fell madly in love with me, but she was scared. Said I flirted with every one too much. Said she didn't want our friendship to end. Said she thought I was a heartbreaker, too frivolous with romantic language, too generous with my own affections. We processed for hours and hours and weeks and weeks and finally woke up in each other's arms. She texted poems in the middle of the night for me to wake up to the next morning, left drawings underneath my pillow while I showered and brushed my teeth. When I cut off my dreadlocs for the second time, she took them home, planted them in her backyard, and said she wanted to grow a garden of flowers as radiant as my smile. I called her Kween and turned my home into her thrown, my devotion into her crown. I wrapped my body around her and dressed her in lavish. I recognized her magic and chiseled her a wand, blessed it with wishes, rinsed it in dreams. We dreamed of babies and revolution. We loved each other so hard it started to hurt. She interpreted my busy as rejection. I interpreted her hurt feelings as disregard. Love turned into defensiveness. Defensiveness turned into desperation. Desperation turned into resentment. Resentment turned into anger. One day, we combusted. Our bodies repelled. Our hearts broke. Every conversation was an explosion. It was time to transition. I wasn't ready. I asked her for another chance, promised to be more present, more attentive, more engaged, more communicative. She said, " Look Vanessa, I love bread. I want to eat bread all the time. But I'm allergic to gluten. No matter how much I desire that bread, I'm not willing to consume poison." "You're comparing me to gluten, you're calling me poison?" I asked. She said, "You're worse. You're the kind of toxic that taste sweet, sounds healthy, comes dressed up extra pretty, pink box, ribbon on top, delivered with a smile and a hand-written note. Everything about you is a lie." I asked for specificity; what about me was poison, what about me was deception. All she could say was that I was a heartbreaker, too frivolous with romantic language, too generous with my own affections.

In that relationship, I learned the power of manifestation, the ways that words take root, the ways that fear creates texture, the way that anxiety can turn the sweetest love story into Frankenstein. So let me say this: you are health and healing, you are gentle growth, you are abundant with good intention, you are care and compassion, you are the sweetest possibility, you are honesty and integrity, you are forgiveness, you are jeweled obsidian, you are radiance and joy, you are laughter and liberation, you are accountable and self reflective, you are newness and opportunity, you are a banging ass brick house, you are brilliant and poetic, you are quiet when necessary, you are powerful and compelling, you are beautiful and considerate, you are resourceful and insightful, you are dedicated and loyal, you are creative and generous, you are love, you are love, you are love. You are a damn good thing and deserve all the sweetness. You are worthy.

About Jezebel: Jezebel Delilah X is a queer, Black, femme performance artist, writer, filmmaker, educator, and Faerie Queen Mermaid Gangsta for the revolution.  She is a co-host of East Bay Open Mic, Culture Fuck, a member of the story telling performance troupe, Griot Noir, one of the founding members of Deviant Type Press, Senior Editor for Black Girl Dangerous, on the Artistic Core of Peacock Rebellion, and a college instructor at various local community colleges.  She has been published in The Womynist, Full of Crow, As/Us, and Black Girl Dangerous, has written/directed/produced two films that have been screened in the Queer Women of Color Film Festival, performed in a pleathora of local performances, and has been a featured reader/performer at events all over the Bay Area.  She uses a combination of performative memoir, theatrical poetry, and feminist storytelling to advance her politix of radical love, socioeconomic justice, anti-racism, and community empowerment.  She holds an MFA Degree in Creative Writing from Mills College, where she focused on Young Adult Fiction and Creative Non-Fiction. 

No comments: