25 March 2011
Over the past days and weeks, I have been furtively attempting to organize my damn thoughts, which honestly have been stirring in my head like a couple of scrambled eggs. My inclination is to put them all together, side by side, if possible, then try and be as coherent and cohesive as I can to get my point across; to create something palatable. The problem is that there are so many points to make, so many ingredients to mix, and I realize this culinary exercise is bigger than at first conceived. So I have to be a little creative and try not to put too many eggs in the basket because I can’t possibly cook or consume them all at one time (and probably, neither can you).
Quite frankly, I don’t even like to cook anymore, so this exercise at writing down the ingredients of my opinions/judgments/beliefs/feelings have been truly challenging. There are times when I just want to throw them all away and forget I have them, but I can’t. Truly, I’ve tried. But this stuff I carry like a heavy bag of grocery is an addiction of sorts, and either I relapse, or accept it, embrace it and try to live with it. Right now, I’m choosing to live with it and hope that like a good neighbor, we can co-exist (although I hate this analogy).
Admittedly, I have had a few lucid moments and get really giddy behind some of the ideas simmering in this crockpot-head of mine; this usually happens late at night when I’m reading something that grabs me in ways that I can’t shake, and probably because now I think I’ve developed insomnia, there’s no stopping the brain from working overtime. Something I tried to avoid when I was doing organizing work, but seemed unavoidable. The only difference now is that I can make up for this by indulging in as much sleep as possible…
So where the hell am I going with all this cooking and writing metaphor and shit? Right now, I just want to throw caution to the wind (can I give myself permission to do that?) and just allow the words to fall where they may with a promise that there will be more to come, call them rants, raves, epiphanies, what have you. I am finding myself at that hour where sleep is further along the line than I would like, and I’m just filling up my time with a little sleepless babble; hope you can handle it.
Before I go, I want to give you an idea of what’s cooking so that you can get your appetite ready:
I am still whipping up pieces around organizing and my love/hate relationship with this field of work. I’ve decided that I want to do this in pieces, like little bite-size hors d’ oeuvres. This allows me to sample and taste as I go along without having to heat up a big pot of words all at once. It also gives me and my readers a little time to digest.
Now that I’ve (somewhat) reacquainted myself with my scholarly work, I want to put some more time into this and write and/or share some pieces that focus and center Black women and women of color from a feminist perspective.
And generally, I want to use this space to write more from my heart those things I find speaking to me in the middle of the day or night. Those various, but important ingredients that would complement and add flavor to any writing dish that evolves on this blog. I want to do this without self-censor, using my voice as I see fit, one that’s complementary to my soul.
Thanks for sharing this space with me.